A lot of larger ladies (from what I read and hear) find that some of their friends have, in reality, been using them for their own ends. An example of what I mean is a scenario where a slim, single lady often takes her large friend out with her, socialising. There's nothing wrong with that, with a genuine friendship, but occasionally it turns out to be a ploy to help the slim lady find new boyfriends. She reasons that she will look more attractive to men if she's alongside a cuddly friend. How mis-guided she is! Some reported stories end up with the men asking out the larger lady, which is a lovely piece of poetic justice. The real moral of the story is that the larger lady deserves to have real friends who will at least treat her as an equal.

For cuddly ladies with low self-esteem, there's the ever-present risk of being befriended by those who use them for doing favours. Running errands, helping them out of difficulties, giving them lifts in their car, baby-sitting, or whatever. The basic scenario is that someone with low self-esteem might feel grateful for any kind of friend, and would do such favours just to try and keep that friendship. Sadly, it is not a true and full friendship. What matters is the quality of friends. Friends who will treat you with respect, and not as an inferior. Larger ladies should demand respect and not tolerate anything less.

Another "friend" problem that the low self-esteem BBWs/SSBBWs may encounter, is the pushy friend. Also known as a "control freak", manipulative person, or an interferring pain in the posterior! The more intelligent this type of person is, the more subtle they can be in gaining some control over a BBW's life. Interference is usually disguised as "help". The offender might believe that they are really helping, but the problems are usually that, a) they don't have the appropriate knowledge, and b) it is none of their business, and c) it can be very patronising and offensive to the BBW because it implies that she lacks the brains or will-power to run her own life well - despite being far better informed about her own life than the control freak.

A solution is to be alert for the early signs of someone getting control of any aspects of your life. Nobody should be trying to get you to change. If you do need to change, then that is something to recognise yourself, and it's for you to decide if you are going to try. Any true friends will then support you in *your* decision, and help out if you would like to receive assistance. Apart from that, friends are there to help make you feel happy and content, rather than say that you would be happy only if you became more like them, or changed to suit their opinion of an acceptable person. Good friends may offer advice at times, but won't push their opinion hard. It's your life, not anybody else's!

Have you ever received unsolicitored advice on how you could lose weight, even from complete strangers? People who know almost nothing about your body's physical make-up, how you got to be your current build, or what your actual state of health is. Maybe you could respond by offering advice on being less impertinent? Or offer recommendations on cut-price brain transplants?! In any topic, I find that those most keen to advise, tend to be those who are most ignorant of the subject, but too arrogant (and daft) to realise this. It can be even worse if it is someone much older than you who loves giving condescending advice.... "I'm much older and wiser than you, young lady..."! Cringe! The smartest older people I know rarely offer advice, but usually have good answers when asked. You could possibly ask the afore-mentioned idiot if they have a medical report on you and your actual state of health? Or tell them what you've already done in the name of weight-loss. For all he/she knows, you may already have lost a lot of weight and be doing fine "thank you". Better still just to tell them to mind their own business.

Good "come-backs" to insults and thoughtless comments, is a whole other subject in itself. But if you do have the nerve and confidence to let the foolish person know your thoughts, then it is best to take into account the 'audience' that you have at the time. That is because the audience may well become your allies, leaving that idiot feelng embarassed. If surrounded by some intelligent folk, then it can be good to keep your come-back remarks subtle and informative. If the audience is a bit less civilised (or maybe a little worse for drink!), then a harsher response may go down well, so long as you don't feel threatened (that is, the people involved aren't carrying knives, for example!). If the idiot is polite but persistent, then let them know that you already have a health and fitness regime tailored to your own requirements, and you don't need to hear about alternatives.

Higher price tags for larger sizes of clothing, is a popular (and understandable) moan during plus sized fashion debates. I've heard that some merchants say higher prices are due to the greater quantity of material involved. I don't think that's a factor at all! There are three fundamental problems with the manufacture and supply of super-sized fashion:

1 - The smaller production runs, which like most machine-made products, means higher cost per item.

2 - The larger range of sizes involved. So-called regular sizes might cover, say, 6 sizes, e.g. 8 to 18. A plus size range might cover, say, 4 more sizes (20 to 26). Super-sizes might cover, say, 7 more sizes (28 to 40). That's a very big increase in the size range to be stocked, but with far lower demand in each particular size.

3 - The larger the size, the greater the range of shapes and proportions found for each individual lady. Some will find that tops are too tight around the shoulders while others will find the shoulder seams draped down at their elbows. The shapes are much more complex than for slim.

To cater for an extensive size range and many variations in shape, is likely to be impractical for all but the most specialised of stockists. This is almost certainly what keeps prices generally high, and what makes it more difficult to get that smart look from good fitting garments. The above statements are not intended to look defeatist. They simply identify (hopefully!) what the cause of the problem is, which is the first step to resolving it. Perhaps computer software for custom made clothes may help with fit? It may take other innovations from determined SSBBW dress-makers to resolve the problem of price for short production runs? As to the cost of the material? Unless it's something like proper silk-velvet, then I doubt if it accounts for a large percentage of the price-tag.

In the late 19th century, it appears that self-consciousness about a lady's physique was more likely to be about being too thin, than too large, to be attractive. Curves and softness were regarded as the feminine attributes that they are. Products were advertised not to lose weight, but to gain weight for very slim ladies. Clothing fashions emphasised curves. Of course, fashions change, but the modern obsession about thinness has been around for many decades and tends to get worse as time goes on.

I have a theory that the birth of the film industry may have played a role in prolonging the fashionable desire for keeping ladies very thin. The film industry was born in the 1890s, just at the tail end of the fashion for curvy plump ladies. Any new trend for thin being in, appears to have been prolonged by the influence of films, especially Hollywood, at least for the western world. Commercial interests then influence the films themselves, as they advertise with or sponsor film making. Remember all those 1940s to '60s films with everyone puffing away on cigarettes?! The weight-loss industry has gained more leverage through the power of advertising and mass-media influence, leaving more people scared about the health risks and worried about the health costs. So now it is more than being about fashion alone, although the phases that health scares, fads, etc. go through, could be termed fashion.

Minor changes in fashion have been seen within films over the years, with a hint of curves among famous actresses, but we will await the big change in fashion, sooner or later. That won't be the end to all our problems, but rather a shifting of perceived bounderies. After all, human nature will ensure that true facts will be swamped by prejudice and commercial propaganda. Personally, I'm just waiting for skinny men to come into fashion :)

One of the troubles with labelling people, is that it leads to generalisations, and often hostility aimed at individuals who may be quite different from how they have been perceived.

Firstly, to explain this particular label, "Closet FA": A man who prefers larger women, but keeps his preference a secret. I believe most FAs started out "in the closet". The most important factor about each individual is how he treats the ladies he admires, whether "closeted" or not. It is, however, important for the size-accepance movement as a whole, to encourage more guys to be open about their preference and stand up and be counted. Otherwise, chaps like me will continue to be wrongly viewed as "freaks" or "fetishists" (silly word!).

My own personal story is that I thought I was the world's only admirer of BBWs until I was in my early 20s (late 1980s). Then it was many years more for the full "coming out" process. However, this did not affect the way I would treat any plus size lady. I have always been a tad eccentric, with specialised interests, accustomed to attracting attention, even though a shy guy. So, I never worried about what onlookers might think of this guy with a cuddly lady on his arm. Who cares? I'm more usually wrapped up in the pleasure of her company. My relatives are accepting people, and are not daft enough to be brain-washed by the weight-loss propaganda, so there were no worries about their reactions. My friends are also generally non-judgemental, and if any had caused trouble over my preference, they would not have remained friends for long! Also, I see large ladies everywhere with husbands or boyfriends, so it just seems like an ordinary every day sight. No big deal.

Unfortunately, I have heard many accounts from ladies who have dated men who would not introduce them to their friends and family, simply because the lady friends were large. Or men who would pretend not to notice the lady friend if they had a chance encounter while out with their mates! There is an important distinction between this behaviour, which is a closet friendship, and closet admiration (closet FA), which might just mean he doesn't talk about the preference openly. If he wants to keep a friendship/relationship "in the closet" then he does not deserve the lady's company. Any lady friend deserves to be treated with respect for her feelings.

Size acceptance stands a chance to progress far if many more FAs become open about their preference, so that the public at large come to appreciate that it is just that: A preference. The more that do become open, the more likely that others will follow suit, put up their hands, and say "count me in too"! Sadly, those FAs who indulge in closet relationships have tarred all closet FAs with the same brush. The internet has opened up a golden opportunity to help young FAs, whether "closeted" or just a bit apprehensive, to feel more sure of themselves. A golden opportunity to make sure that fewer ladies encounter those depressing closet relationships (by getting more FAs out). A golden opportunity to make size-acceptance (SA) a credible force for improving the quality of lives for large ladies (and men too) by bringing it to a wider audience.

Unfortunately, the backlash against closet FAs risks having the SA movement repeatedly shoot itself in its foot. The moral of the story: Find out what the individual "closet FA" is like, before deciding if he can be helped out, or if he is never going to be of use to SA.

This little piece is really about how some large ladies are treated, often by loved ones, in a way that can ruin their lives, even though said loved ones may have been trying to 'help'.

The term "comfort eating" is well known within the size-acceptance communities. People can be large in build for a whole range of reasons, rather than the seemingly obvious causes that so many assume is at the root of being over-weight. Out of those where too much food intake relative to exercise really is the cause, that is frequently still not the root cause. "Comfort eating" refers to someone eating more when they are depressed. It might turn into a viscious circle if weight is gained, which leads to increased depression, which leads to more food intake...

Unfortunately, it can get worse when friends or relatives try to help. This 'help' so often seems to take the form of harassing the unfortunate cuddly lady about her weight, or frequently drawing her attention to her 'problem'. This only serves to increase the depression, so attempts to 'help' tend to be counter-productive. Weight-loss diets may also make matters worse, since long-term failure is highly likely, leading to more depression...

There was a TV documentary in the UK about the 1960s TV series "The Avengers". For those unfamiliar with this cult series, an important feature of it was that the leading ladies were shown to be the equal of the leading man, in intelligence, initiative, and significantly, their ability to take on the baddies in a fight. What caught my attention in the documentary, was to learn that one of the actresses (Linda Thorson, who played Tara King) was forced to reduce her weight, even though she was slim. It was explained to us that she was not thin enough to be a fighter. This irrational approach has persisted into more recent years, since it has become more commonplace for actresses to get stuck into fighting scenes in movies and on TV, yet these actresses are very thin indeed.

Conversely, the men who get into such on-screen battles tend to be well built. In the reality shown on many other documentaries of real life events, one can see that ladies who have to help restrain fellons (police officers, prison wardens, and even bounty-hunters) tend to be cuddly in build. Such a total contrast from fictional portrayals. So why do film/TV makers insist on thin female fighters? Thin athletes are more suited for long distance running. Heavier people are more likely to have the strength, plus weight itself coming in useful, to tackle or restrain people. Admittedly strength does not always relate directly to weight. And just to illustrate that there are double-standards: Men who are very thin are commonly dismissed as too weak to engage in fights or anything else demanding strength. Being somewhat skinny myself, I know how insulting this attitude is, but acknowledge that generally speaking, more weight is likely to help when it comes to physical confrontations.

It just seems as though any excuse is made to keep our screens filled only with thin ladies, rather than a range of shapes and sizes. What a nightmare world it would be for some of us chaps if there really were no cute cuddly ladies around to admire :)

How many times have you heard variations on that phrase: "You have such a pretty face. If only [insert silly weight-loss suggestion here]"? This seems to be common on both sides of the Atlantic. If the lady on the receiving end of the comment did go ahead and lose weight, her pretty face would more than likely change. The chances are that she is already attractive all over. Sadly, it is a very common human failing to refuse to accept that subjective matters are...well... subjective! By telling a lady that she is not attractive as a whole 'package', that person is saying "only my point of view counts". All shapes and sizes of ladies have their admirers. Some of those who can't grasp the "subjective" issue mentioned above, simply refuse to believe those with differing tastes. An attitude that is pure arrogance.

So, to the ladies reading who are not happy with their overall appearance, take note that your beauty does not stop at neck level. Style is the biggest factor in beauty anyway. So, if you find (or have found) a style that you like, hold your head up and know that a cheerful and confident look (combined with nice fashion), will be picked up by people around you. Men tend to find this an added attraction, as well as their physical preferences. Once you realise that there are lots of men who *know* you are attractive, then any negative feedback you might still receive, will seem less important. After all, if a small minority of thoughtless big-mouths can't see your beauty, then their opinion is of no value. You will also be less likely to attract men who are not true admirers, that is, ones who prey on ladies with low self-esteems. Ladies who have come through this process of improving their lives, tend to state that it is best to find men who love them both as a person, and for their cuddly appearance. Sometimes, a bad experience with a BBW admirer/FA (who might have been rather shallow) puts ladies off, but there are plenty of other men who have the sense to appreciate all of a lady's attributes both inside and out.

Oh yes, and getting back to the annoying "...pretty face..." comments, perhaps an on-the-spot fine should be introduced? Well, it was just an idea :)

The online size-acceptance communities, forums, and all the other related sites, can be wonderful places for BBWs to receive emotional support, advice, encouragement, or just to find safe-havens. Discovering that there are far more men who admire them, than is generally believed, can be a major boost, and form the turning point in the lives of many ladies. On the down side, admirers may not always feel so positive at discovering this online world. They may be accepted or shunned depending upon their looks. They may also run into trouble if they are open and honest about their inherent preference (rather than trying to be "pc" all of the time).

I suspect that many of the nicer/more intelligent FAs abandon the size-acceptance movement (and perhaps remain "closet-admirers" if they had not already come-out) as a result. Ladies are often disappointed at a large proportion of the admirers they discover online. These are those men who make impertinent sexual overtures to the ladies, or else are obsessed with numbers - ladies' measurements and weights. Also well meaning men who are a little inept at expressing themselves and offend the ladies. I believe that these categories of admirers, plus the better looking intelligent/nice ones, are what are left after all the others have become disillusioned? It is a pity, because outside the size-acceptance (SA) world, admirers are dismissed as "freaks", "fetishists", "shallow" and so forth, while within SA, they may receive almost the same treatment. The end result is fewer supporters, and possibly more FAs dating thin ladies and keeping their true admirations "in the closet". The latter practice is one of the biggest factors holding back this important movement to improve the lives of so many ladies.

The lesson to be learned is that any movement like size-acceptance, needs to welcome and embrace all of its supporters, and try to understand the many differences between each sub-group. Remember that everybody has feelings, weaknesses, etc. whether they be big, thin, or average build. BTW, I've removed most of my online photos. There comes a time when one finally caves in to all the hints!

Some people think that they are being helpful by telling larger ladies not to wear certain clothes. Usually clothes that expose some bare skin, such as sleeveless tops and dresses, or low necklines or short skirts. There are a number of problems with this behaviour. Firstly, it is arrogant for someone to believe that their opinion on a subjective issue is the 'correct' one and that they have the right to tell others to change. That is impertinence and bad manners! Secondly, telling a lady to cover up more or to hide under looser clothing, gives her a message that suggests she is unattractive. As a larger lady, her opinion of her beauty may already be a bit shakey, and the last thing she needs is for some fool to make her feel even worse about her own looks.

A plus sized lady should be encouraged to wear the fashions she likes, with advice given if it is asked for, but only given in a positive way. Such as helping with details rather than trying to persuade her to change her style.

Although I'm not keen on labeling people, terms such as BBW, SSBBW, FA, etc. can be convenient when discussing such people in a constructive way. Some confusion has arisen with the term "chubby chaser" which actually refers to homosexual men who prefer large men, and NOT to men who prefer large women. Unfortunately a UK documentary about FAs used the title "Chubby Chasers" just to help spread the confusion.

Much more important than the labels, is how the general public perceive fat admirers to be as personalities and what FAs' preferences are all about:

1) Nature has its way of making sure everyone can find soulmates, so mens' preferences in ladies' physique covers the whole range from very thin to very large. Many men appreciate a range of sizes and shapes. So, there is no simple divide between FAs and the rest of the male (heterosexual) population.

2) Men who prefer ladies who are not thin, are far more commonplace than is generally believed. This mis-conception is due to the powerful influence of the mass media and the leverage that the weight-loss industry appears to have over the media. The result is that a great many men don't realise themselves that their preference is perfectly normal, so they keep quiet on this subject. They may also fear criticism and ridicule if they do reveal their love of the larger female form.

3) Contrary to what some claim about FAs, our preference is NOT a "fetish". It also does not mean that we want to get a lady to increase in size, which is another more specialised category within the world of BBWs and admiration. The preference also does not encourage ill-health, which is a complex issue that varies from person to person.

4) Just as BBWs come in every conceivable kind of personality, so FAs can be any kind of guy, good or bad. They can be as shallow as some men who prefer thin. They can be warm, caring and appreciative of a lady's inner beauty. They are just guys who happen to have a preference. So, if a lady has a bad experience with an FA (especially if she is new to discovering their existence), then she should not be put off. Avoiding admirers won't make any difference, since as I've said, they are basically the same as any other guys.

5) Important! Don't be taken in by guys pretending to be FAs, who are in reality, low-life who prey on ladies with low self-esteems. Large ladies deserve the best. They deserve to be treated with respect, to be loved and adored, and have their hearts looked after.

Ianardo