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Larger Ladies and Relationships

It should be no more difficult for a cuddly lady to find a nice, well-matched boy friend than it is for a slim lady. The biggest stumbling block tends to be the lady's confidence, possibly made worse by misinformed comments from those who think such ladies won't have their admirers. Whatever a lady's physique, there will be men who will be attracted.

Initial attraction also has a lot to do with style and confidence. Even a put-on air of confidence can help, as will a cheerful disposition.

There are a few potential problems that can arise, because men need to understand what cuddly ladies go through, and how they feel about themselves. Meanwhile, cuddly ladies don't always understand their admirers, or how to spot who really is an admirer.

Male Preferences

Men's preferences in ladies' builds covers the full spectrum from very thin to "the larger the better". Many like a range of sizes and shapes equally. Others prefer certain proportions: Large hips, curvy legs, broad shoulders, and not forgetting cleavage connoisseurs! Note that all this is simply a matter of preference, and is not a "fetish" or anything crazy or extreme.

It is true that there are some more unusual preferences that the internet has helped to bring to the attention of many of us. However, the internet gives a distorted view, because the small minorities can appear to be more numerous than they actually are. The more controversial preferences that I know of include "feederism" (encouraging weight-gain), "squashing" (no description necessary!) and "trampling"! As I mentioned, these are the more scarce and extreme interests/preferences.

There are some quite harmless preferences that relate to size, if not actual appearance. Some men admire physical strength coupled with femininity. Some like a sort of role reversal with the stronger lady being the protective one. Some men enjoy being lifted and carried. And one mustn't forget that some ladies enjoy this unusual side of relationships. Men and women often keep their preferences a secret for fear of scaring away potential soul mates, but it is wise to air these issues eventually. The important thing is not to make a big deal of such minor preferences, otherwise it will look like an obsession.

Unfortunately, there are men (more evident online) who do have a single-minded obsession with their physical preference, and fail to understand women as people with feelings. This is also unfortunate for the more caring admirers, since we often get labelled under the same heading as those with fetishes.

Your Inner and Outer Beauty

Many believe that it is only the inner qualities of a person's character, and not external appearance, that counts in a relationship. It may be true that the character/personality is of primary importance, but physical attraction can help. If the relationship goes through a crisis, then the pull of the physical attraction may make him/her try harder to make the relationship work, and survive whatever setbacks that might occur.

There are always exceptions, but many plus size ladies have reported that relationships were best when their man appreciated everything about them. Both their character and their beauty. They also tend to report that men who love them "in spite of their size", do not make the best partners. Some men say that the size does not matter, but ultimately it usually causes problems.

Men who are admirers of plus sized beauty are also more likely to understand the issues that the lady has to deal with. That is, both emotional issues and practical ones, of living a large life.

A Tough Life - for both!

An added appeal of cuddly ladies is that so many are compassionate and understanding because they have experienced a lot of bad treatment from others. Occasionally, cuddly ladies can behave in a very different manner from the compassionate one mentioned. They can feel angry at what they have had to put up with in life, and take out their anger on their allies, including admirers and boy friends. The main mistake often made is to think that they (larger ladies) are the only ones to experience jokes, insults and self-esteem troubles concerning their appearance and build. In fact many of us do have these issues as well, and it is important to appreciate that others may have had a tough life in similar ways.

Types Of Men Who Date Larger Women

1) Genuine admirers. This is self-explanatory. Some men just find cuddly ladies attractive and are turned off by thin women. If a guy keeps glancing at a full figured lady, and smiles, and takes an interest in her (hopefully chatting to her), then he is probably an admirer.

2) Fake admirer. Some men target cuddly ladies because they think the lady will be less fussy over her choice of men and that she will be an easy catch. Many ladies don't tolerate that, but those with low self-esteems can be easy targets. Such men may treat their lady friend badly, and actively keep her self-esteem low by telling her no other guy would ever date her if he left. It is in his interests to keep her feeling bad about herself. He is probably a control-freak and the relationship is an abusive one.

If you are a lady with low self-esteem, and especially if you have been treated badly in the past, then it is important to break free of this viscious circle. It can be a viscious circle, because such ladies can keep drifting into similar bad, or even abusive, relationships, many times over. The important thing to do when seeking a new relationship, is not to sound depressed, and not to dwell on how bad past relationships have been. If you sound negative, and lacking in confidence, more control-freaks will home in on you.

3) Objectifying. In the world of BBW admiration, some men go on and on about body parts or else obssess about quantifying women's appearance by numbers. Such as weights and measurements. This is actually part of a common human failing, as a lot of people try to bring complex artistic/subjective issues into simple terms or numbers. It follows that quite a few men will assess women in this unflattering way, and so it is not a problem unique to BBW admirers.

4) In the closet. If an admirer tends to keep his preference a secret, then there is some potential for problems from his girl friend's point of view. If he seems uncomfortable to go out in public with a large girl friend, avoids introducing her to his relatives and friends, then he does not deserve to enjoy that lady's company. The lady should seek a man who will make her part of his social life as well as private life. However, be careful not to confuse this type of "closet" behaviour, with men who simply don't broadcast their preference, but treat the ladies thoughtfully. What matters is how everyone treats their partners.

Types Of Plus Size Women

I'm referring here to how women perceive their own beauty and the sort of self-esteem they may have:

1) Confident on the surface. Many ladies may appear to be confident, cheerful, and out-going, but they might have a shakey self-esteem under the surface. They are also just as likely to have a fragile heart as anyone else. They should be treated with respect and kindness by a boy friend. These ladies might be quite successful in career and in a social life, but still be nervous about dating, so be prepared to treat them gently.

2) Shy. Many other ladies don't manage to hide their lack of confidence, especially for encounters with men. These ladies need to try and make more eye contact with men, and exchange pleasantries more often. I've come across a few with very low confidence, who really sprang to life and blossomed, when they tried this more positive approach. They found that people (including nice men their age) reacted in a friendly way, and this brightened their day. It can lead to flirting and just maybe, a new boy friend. For the men encountering this kind of lady, it is a question of trying to get enough eye contact to be able to smile and say "hello". Perhaps if you have just come around a corner and both been taken by surprise, you should quickly take your chance and speak to her.

3) Hostile. A few larger ladies hate their appearance so much that they also hate anyone claiming to admire them. If they treat potential boy friends badly, then they are not worth the effort of trying to build a relationship. They need to get their lives in order before attempting a relationship.

4) Really confident. A few plus sized beauties are blessed with real confidence, and they are much in demand by admirers! They have fewer issues about confidence, or desires to change, that would otherwise put a strain on a relationship. They certainly don't tolerate any boy friend who is not a genuine admirer, and open about his preference.

Weight-Loss and Relationships

Men should appreciate and accept that the lady they spend the rest of their life with may increase or decrease in size to some extent. Possibly a large change in size over a long period of time. Complications arise when a large lady slims down considerably in a short period of time, which is not considered a natural process, and thus, may change her appearance from what the boy-friend/husband found attractive. The fact that the lady has made a dramatic change (possibly via surgery), suggests that she has had a hard time in life, to prompt this big change.

Unfortunately, what often happens after a dramatic weight-loss, is that the woman's confidence rises so much, that she dumps her supportive boy-friend! She reasons that she can find a better guy now. It probably relates to the classic "nice guy syndrome", where the most supportive boy friends get sidelined. Ultimately, she may discover that guys who prefer slim women, are just the same, not better.

Perhaps the moral of the story is that big life changes are best done when one is not in a relationship. Popular relationship advice states that one's life should be in good order, and that you should be fairly happy and content, before embarking on relationships. That avoids the stresses to the relatonship that arise if you then make major changes. Unfortunately that is not always an option, in which case it may be a good idea to discuss with other ladies who have been through similar experiences and get some ideas on how to handle one's relationship during a major change.

Tips for the men

1) Treat your girl friend in the same way as a slim lady would expect to be treated. Invite her into your circle of friends and relatives. Be proud to have her on your arm when you go out.

2) Show her affection whether at home or outside.

3) Don't tell her not to wear certain things that either reveal bare skin, or show off her shape. Some people think they are doing a lady a favour by advising her to cover up more, or hide under loose clothing, but this can be very damaging to their self-esteem. It sends out a message that they are unattractive. If she is tempted to wear something sexy, elegant or alluring, when going out, then encourage her to wear what she wants to wear.

4) If you have quirky, specialised interests relating to BBW admiration and relationships, be careful not to make a big fuss about them, especially very early as a relationship gets off the ground. There is the risk that it will sound like a "fetish", or that it dominates your interest in relationships. In other words, it needs to take a lower priority than issues of how compatible you and she are, and what sort of relationship you are seeking, how caring, honest, trustworthy, etc. you are. Once the ground-work for a good relationship has been laid, and the lady is satisfied that you are a nice, decent guy, then you can tentatively start to reveal other aspects to your preferences and interests. It is different if you have a more extreme or controversial relationship interest that you believe would put most ladies off. In which case you may need to seek out a lady at a suitable venue/website/forum where like-minded folk can meet up.

5) If your girl friend is very large, then think and plan ahead when going out so that you are not going to end up in situations where she is too cramped or uncomfortable. Narrow seating with fixed arm-rests are one of the common problems, so if dining out, it is a good idea to check the seating before going. If using public tramsport, then avoid periods when the trains/buses are crowded.

Tips for the ladies

1) If you receive compliments, especially about your beauty, then accept them politely regardless of whether or not you believe them. The compliments are probably genuine, but some ladies take time to get used to the concept of being admired as a cuddly beauty.

2) If your boy friend is good at listening and supporting emotionally, don't forget that he might need similar emotional support at times. Larger ladies do not have a monopoly on low self-esteem and other issues relating to one's size and appearance.

3) Your own self-esteem/self-worth issues are important too, and if the boy friend is an admirer of BBWs, he should appreciate a bit of what you go through. But just in case he doesn't, gradually 'feel' out what he understands, and see if you can educate him, but without being patronising.

4) Take a cheerful interest in your boy friend's life, family and interests. Don't belittle or tease and then expect total acceptance in return! Acceptance has to operate both ways.

5) The boy friend should introduce you to his friends and relatives. If he avoids this, then this does not bode well for a long-term relationship. He should be happy and proud to show you off! When meeting his parents and other family members, there is always the slight fear that they might not all be accepting of a cuddly addition to the family. This then becomes a test of the boy friend's loyalty to you. If he hopes to become your life-time partner/husband, then he should support you even if it means tension between family members. If the problems arise with his friends, then there is no question that he should take your side and give you full moral support. If his friends don't treat you well, then he can do without those friends!

6) If you are new (or fairly new) to discovering men who prefer BBWs, but you have had bad experiences with them so far, please don't dismiss all such admirers as being the same. Remember that the only difference between them and guys who prefer thin ladies, is that preference. Everything else about them covers the same variety as any other group of men. Some are shallow. Some are compassionate. Some objectify beauty. Some have a deep appreciation of inner and outer beauty. So, if you've been put off the quality of admirers you have met so far, then avoiding them won't help you in the least. You will find basically the same problems in other men. It is the individual that matters, and not what category you see him as belonging to.

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Website started 4th March 2001